10 Surefire Ways to Annoy Your Visitors

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by Sunil Tanna

1. Start with your entry page. Be sure to include a huge graphical logo, but absolutely no useful information. In general, large unnecessary downloads such as background music (ideally totally inappropriate music), multimedia presentations and video files, are an essential element of the truly annoying site, so include six or seven on every page.

2. Very tiny text (SIZE=1) can be a great way to damage your visitors' eyesight. Unfortunately modern browsers include a font-sizing feature which negates much of the power of this technique. Webmasters can seize back control by mixing tiny (SIZE=1) and very large (SIZE=6) text on the same page.

3. Low contrast color combinations like yellow on white, or better yet, dark gray on black, have been proven to increase web surfers' aggression levels.

4. WRITING EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS CAN HAVE INTERESTING EFFECTS IN YOUR VISITORS' PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP. EXPERIMENT WITH switching between CASES FOR absolutely NO REASON, preferably EVEN IN THE midDLE of WOrds, TO REALLY WIND THEM UP!

5. Make sure absolutely every page positively requires horizontal scrolling.

6. Frames can be a powerful technology for making people's blood boil. Be sure to use them heavily, and don't let users easily break out even when leaving your site. For extra credit, combine this with horizontal scrolling and have the 'Home' button "accidentally" put the entire frame-set inside the smallest frame.

7. Forms are most interesting when they don't work at all. Unfortunately, it won't waste much of your visitors' time if the form has only a couple of fields. Therefore make sure your form has at least 20 fields which must be filled out exactly right (add validation code), and wait till they've struggled through them all, before giving a CGI error.

8. Banners adverts are one of the most under-used technologies on the web. Some sites have only 2 or 3 per page. Show those sites how to do it right, by having at least 20 banners per page. Remember never use a text link when you have a chance to use a banner!

9. Sadly some hosts do not add pop-ups to your pages. If your web host is holding you back in this way, don't despair. After you've mailed your letter of compliant to the hosting company, add a little JavaScript to your pages to achieve the same effect.

10. Finally the old ideas are often still the best ones: Bad English is well-known technique that many webmasters are familiar with. Be sure to include a more than adequate number of speling misteaks in all your text, or for a really exciting twist make your sentences really long, with way too many clauses, a superabundance of overlong and unnecessarily obtuse terminology and gratuitous jargon, and unexpected changes from formal language into the a more colloquial style: as it this way cool example!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Exclamation marks are also good, the more the better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

It has come to my attention that there are a few webmasters who actually want people to enjoy their site, bookmark it, and maybe even come back more than once. If you are a member of this particular minority group, you can of course do the exact opposite of these suggestions.